We all have the potential to fall in love a thous× in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people u love who do something else; they define how u classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in ur life, &u'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who u love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what u will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive &unreasonable. The person who defines ur understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, &they're often just the person u happen to meet the first time u really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, &u lose. Because for the rest of ur life, they will control how u feel about everyone else.
-Chuck Klosterman, Killing Urself to Live
-Chuck Klosterman, Killing Urself to Live
Become the artist.
The desire to change starts with u. Once u feel it, use that passion to experiment &try new things. Become the artist – life is the masterpiece. To get healthy, u might challenge urself to 10 minutes of exercise each morning. Looking to transform ur diet? Eat like Leo. Take a st&against debt by cutting up ur credit cards. Burnout brings strong emotions like anger, fear, jealousy &sadness. Use those feelings to light ur creativity on fire. Keep mixing it up with new ideas &projects.
Set people free.
Don’t expect ur employer to relieve stress at work. Don’t expect ur lover to make u happy. Ur burnout is not their responsibility. Give urself permission to do all the work. Setting people free from ur expectations will put u back in control. U can be burnout’s victim or victor. Find one reason to do something, not a million reasons to quit. Now, no one stands in ur way.
Focus on tiny movements.
That’s all it takes to change ur life. If u want to quit smoking, u can stop putting a cigarette in ur mouth &lighting the end. Once u master the way u move, u can do anything. U can decide to write instead of go out to lunch. U can put away the beer &go to bed early. U can feel ur feet on the ground for a run. Movements, no matter how small, shape ur entire life. How u go through the motions is up to u. Ask urself today: Is the way I move beautiful? Or destructive?
Start over.
Change can be slow, but it has to start somewhere. For me, burnout became beautiful when I fed new ideas to my broken spirit. Inspiration was everywhere once I wanted to look. Sites like The Happiness Project &Zen Habits gave me courage to begin a new life.
I know now: Burnout is just the beginning. It might feel awful at times. If it didn’t, how would u know when to try something new? Let ur imagination fly. Learn what lights up ur world before burnout defines it. Ask urself for help first. Then, start with tiny movements. Tiny actions. Like building a new foundation, brick by brick, u can create something strong &beautiful.
The Only Guide to Happiness U’ll Ever Need
“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. U have to catch it urself.” - Benjamin Franklin
For some of us, the ultimate goal in life is happiness.
Whether we see fulfillment in our work, contentment in our relationships, passion in our hobbies … we strive to find happiness.
“Happiness is the meaning &the purpose of life, the whole aim &end of human existence.” - Aristotle
&yet, this search for happiness can be a lifelong search, especially if we look at happiness as something that will come once we achieve certain goals — a nice home, a perfect spouse, the ultimate promotion … &when we get these goals, instead of being happy, we often are looking forward to being happy when we meet our next goals.
Happiness shouldn’t be something that happens to us in the future, maybe someday, if things go well. Happiness should be here &now, who we are now, with the people we’re with now, doing the things we’re doing now. &if we’re not with people who make us happy, &doing things that make us happy … then we should take action to make that happen.
That’s the simple formula for happiness. Take action to do the things that make u happy, with the people who make u happy, &to be happy with the person u are now. (Disclaimer: this probably doesn’t apply, of course, to those who are clinically depressed or who have other similar medical conditions which I am not qualified to discuss.)
Don’t wait for happiness. Seize it.
“If u want to be happy, be.” - Leo Tolstoy
Here’s how — a list of action u can take today to seize that happiness. U don’t have to do these all at once, but u should do most (if not all) of them eventually, &sooner rather than later. Pick one or two &start today.
- Be present. Don’t think about how great things will be in the future. Don’t dwell on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the here &now, &experience life as it’s happening, &appreciate the world for the beauty that it is, right now. Practice makes perfect with this crucial skill.
- Connect with others. In my experience, very few things can achieve happiness as well as connecting with other human beings, cultivating relationships, bonding with others. Some tips on doing this.
- Spend time with those u love. This might seem almost the same as the item above, &in reality it’s an extension of the same concept, a more specific application. Spending time with the people u love is extremely important to happiness … &yet it’s incredible how often we do just the opposite, &spend time alone, or disconnected from those we love, or spend time with people we don’t much like. Make it a priority to schedule time with the people u love. Make that ur most important item of the day. For myself, I have a time when I cut off work, &the rest of the day is for my family. Weekends are exclusively for my family. &by setting aside this sacred time, I ensure my happiness by letting nothing come between me &the people I love most.
- Do the things u love. What do u love doing most? Figure out the 4-5 things u love doing most in life, the things that make u happiest, &make those the foundation of ur day, every day. Eliminate as much of the rest as possible. For me, the things I love doing are: spending time with my family, writing, reading, &running. I do those things every day, &very little else. It may take awhile to get ur life down to ur essentials like I have (it took me a few years of careful elimination &rescheduling &saying “no” to requests that aren’t on my short list), but it’s worth the effort.
- Focus on the good things. Everyone’s life has positive &negative aspects — whether u’re happy or not depends largely on which aspects u focus on. Did u lose today’s softball game? At least u got to spend time with friends doing something fun. Did u sprain ur ankle running? Well, ur body probably needed a week’s rest anyway, as u were running too much! Did ur baby get sick? Well, at least it’s only a flu virus ¬hing life-threatening … &at least u have a wonderful baby to nurse to health! U can see my point — almost everything has a positive side, &focusing on the positives make all the difference. My Auntie Kerry died last week (as u know), &I’m still grieving, but 1) I’m happy I spent time with her before her death; 2) her death has brought our family closer together; 3) her suffering has ended; &4) it reminded me to spend more time with the people I love while they’re still alive.
- Do work u love. An extension, of course, of doing the things u love, but applied to work. Are u already doing the work u love? Then u’re one of the lucky ones, &u should appreciate how lucky u are. If u aren’t doing the work u love, u should make it a priority to try to find work u’re passionate about, &to steer ur career in that direction. Take myself for example: I was doing work that I was good at (just last year), but that I wasn’t passionate about. I was passionate about writing, &so I pursued blogging … &with a year of hard work, was able to quit my day job &blog full time. I’m so much happier these days!
- Lose urself in ur work. Once u’ve found work u love, the key is to lose urself in it … clear away all distractions, find an interesting &challenging task, &just pour all ur energy &focus into that task. With practice, u’ll forget about the outside world. There are few work-related joys that equal this feeling. Read more.
- Help others. Is there any better feeling than helping a fellow human being? There aren’t many. &it’s not too hard — here are 25 ways.
- Find time for peace. With the hectic pace of life these days, it’s hard to find a moment of peace. But if u can make time for solitude &quiet, it can be one of the happiest parts of ur day. Here’s how.
- Notice the small things. Instead of waiting for the big things to happen — marriage, kids, house, nice car, big promotion, winning the lottery — find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning hours, or the delicious &simple taste of berries, or the pleasure of reading a book with ur child, or taking a walk with ur partner. Noticing these small pleasures, throughout ur day, makes a huge difference.
- Develop compassion. Compassion is developing a sense of shared suffering with others … &taking steps to alleviate the suffering of others. I think too often we forget about the suffering of others while focusing on our own suffering, &if we learned to share the suffering of others, our suffering would seem insignificant as a result. Compassion is an extremely valuable skill to learn, &u get better with practice. Here’s how.
- Be grateful. Learning to be grateful for what’s in our lives, for the people who have enriched our lives, goes a long way toward happiness. It helps us to appreciate what we have &what we have received, &the people who have helped us. Read more.
- Become a lifelong learner. I find an inordinate amount of pleasure in reading, in learning about new things, in enriching my knowledge as I get older. I think spending time reading some of the classics, as well as passionately pursuing new interests, is energy well invested. Try to do a little of it every day, &see if it doesn’t make u happier.
- Simplify ur life. This is really about identifying the things u love (see above) &then eliminating everything else as much as possible. By simplifying ur life in this way, u create time for ur happiness, &u reduce the stress &chaos in ur life. In my experience, living a very simple life is also a pleasure in itself.
- Slow down. Similar to simplifying, slowing down is just a matter of reminding urself that there’s no need to rush through life. Schedule less things on ur calendar, &more space between things. Learn to eat slower, drive slower, walk slower (unless u’re doing it for exercise). Going slowly helps to reduce stress, &improve the pleasure of doing things, &keeps u in the present moment.
- Exercise. I’ve written about the pleasures of exercise many times. It can be hard to start an exercise program (here’s how) but once u get going, it relieves stress &can really give u a good feeling. I feel joyful every time I go out for a run!
- Meditate. U don’t need to join a Zendo or get a mat or learn any lotus positions, but the simplest form of meditation can really help u to be present &to get out of the worrying part of ur head. U can do it right now: close ur eyes &simply try to focus on ur breathing as long as possible. Pay attention to the breath as it comes into ur body, &then as it goes out. When u feel ur mind start to wander, don’t fret, but just simply acknowledge the other thoughts, &then return to ur breathing. Do this a little each day &u’ll get better at it.
- Learn to accept. One of the challenges for people like me — people who want to improve themselves &change the world — is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to learn to accept, &to love, the world as it is, &people as they are, rather than to try to make everything &everyone conform to an impossible ideal. I’m not saying u should accept cruelty &injustice, but learn to love things when they are less than “perfect”.
- Spend time in nature. Go outside &take a walk each day, or take the time to watch a sunset or sunrise. Or find a body of water — the ocean, a lake, a river, a pond — &spend time taking a look at it, contemplating it. If u’re lucky enough to live near some woods, or a mountain, or a canyon, go hiking. Time in nature is time invested in ur happiness.
- Find the miracles in life. I absolutely believe in miracles, &believe that they are all around us, every day. My children are all miracles. The kindnesses of strangers are miracles. The life growing all around us is a miracle. Find those miracles in ur life, &enjoy the majesty of them.
For more happiness reading, check out my favorite happiness blog: The Happiness Project, by the lovely Gretchen Rubin.
“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.” - Fyodor Dostoevsky
‘Between stimulus &response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth &our freedom.’ ~Victor Frankl
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